Sundays With The Christianists: Comics To Scare Your Teen Away From Porn!

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No vegan baby butthole for you, young man!

Time for some good old fundagelical sex paranoia today, with an excitingly bad comic from the “Truth For Youth” free half-a-Bible and comix collection we received a while back. We previously looked at why “safe sex” is anything but (because HELL), and this time around, we’re going to learn why good Christian kids stay far away from porn and are delighted that their parents include porn-blocking software on their computers. (Answer: HELL, also you’ll become a porn addict, child sexer, and rapist — which are all the same thing.) The “Truth For Youth” series of comics have been around since the early 2000s though the earliest titles were updated with new manga-style art (but the same dialogue) some time after the series first came out. The book is a production of some evangelist goober named Tim Todd, who we’d never heard of, and is designed for mass orders, so that your church or synagogue can send cadres from the youth ministry off to distribute them to their friends and classmates, perhaps during Bring Your Bible To School Day.

The comics are all penned by Rev. Todd, with art by some anonymous person who may well have wanted it that way. Todd has high hopes for his crappy comics: he wants nothing less than to “bring the message of the Gospel to America’s youth and counter the ill effect of the liberal agenda being promoted aggressively in America’s public schools,” by getting as many copies of his crappy comix to America’s youth as possible. Since the comics look like the Japanese mangas the kids are all into these days, they’re certain to appeal to all the youngsters, or at least the ones who aren’t too critical. Also, the back cover has all sorts of important information about how the evil secularist schools cannot take away your Bible, so you can be properly confrontational about it.

Our example today, “Parental Controls,” is all about the perils of pornography, and why even a single glance at nekkid human bodies can lead you into a life of lust, depravity, and possibly even voting for Democrats. You can read the whole sorry mess here. Let’s meet our protagonists, Marty and Jesse, as Marty tries to lead Jesse into temptation:

Is not that the face of every boy in the world when they see naked ladies? We’re actually pretty impressed by the way Jesse physically recoils from the screen in the second panel, as if he’s being burned, poor lad. And the sudden appearance of Marty’s dad in the doorway is nice ‘n’ dramatic, though it’s not clear why Marty looks so distressed, since we learn on the next page that Mr. Flintner is totally cool with his son looking at “porno pages.” Maybe Marty’s just embarrassed to be seen with Jesse, the killjoy.

Mr. Flintner explains — these comix are WAY wordier than the works of the late Jack Chick — why he’s perfectly fine with his son looking at porn:

Check out Dad’s necklace and that pencil-thin mustache — as in any good didactic comic, you just need one look to know he’s sleazy. But wait — jail? Oh, sure, Marty explains nonchalantly — dear old Dad has been arrested for being with a 16-year old girl, but he only had to stay in jail overnight, and another time he was accused of date rape, but beat that rap, too (no doubt because of lenient liberal judges, although the comic doesn’t say). Also, he’s had two failed marriages, and never has any luck with women, either, Marty trails off, on the verge of awareness of the Horrible Effects Of Porn On Men. But he quickly goes back to the sex computer, telling Jesse, “You’ll like this page, Bible-Boy! It’s called ‘Eve’s Garden of Eden Girlies!’

Poor Jesse is distraught, and prays for guidance, because you see, the only reason he’s hanging out with Marty is that he thought it would be “a great wtinessing opportunity” — and suddenly, inspiration strikes! He can use porn as a metaphor for all that is wrong with our Sick Sad World! Or at least hit Marty over the head with some Bible Truth! Let’s see how that goes!

Oh, heck! He made the point all eloquent-like, but Jesse simply isn’t getting through to Marty, who is already so deep in the grip of his porn addiction that he doesn’t see the obvious point: Porn will make you realize you are a sinner and you’ll have to wear leaves alla time. Poor Marty. He’s going to end up a date-rapist like his dad.

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