As we bring this shitfuck of a week to a close, with a 50-50 chance of more shitfuckery over the weekend -- we're talking about YOU, Joe Manchin and probably Susan Collins and definitely Jeff Flake and Ben Sasse -- it behooves us, so's we don't all bake ourselves into a Sylvia Plath flan, to pull ourselves off the kitchen floor and remember that we are in it together, and we are Loved ... at least by 1.2 percent of our regular readers. Weren't we loved by only one percent of our readers before last month? YES. And just in September, we got an additional 20 percent (of one percent; not 20 percent of 100 percent, that would be crazy and also insane; also too, and forever: LEARN A MATH, PIG-FUCK) to love us the only way love counts: with money.
Now I am just confusing you! Is that what you come to Wonkette for, to be confused? Well, yes, but also for the
propaganda community, and the less-screaming-at-your-computer-even-though-things-they-are-LE-MERDE, and the news, and the nasty shitmouth, and the propaganda.
Sorry, I'm still really bitter about that fucking chart.
Let's throw some numbers at you, since you are nerds!
Before September, about 3100 people a month -- or one percent of our core readership of 300 thousand people per month (which is WAYYYYY down from a readership of about a million since Facebook took a dump, but we absolutely don't care since you are the 300 thousand readers who matter) were sending us money to pay for writers, health insurance, servers, liquor, our mortgage, the others' rent, liquor, the Wonkebago to come to your town and buy you beers and bbq at your park, and baby shoes.
(See that baby up above, that is one-year-old GRANDBABY Tallulah and she and her mom and her-dad-my-son LIVE WITH US NOW, YOU GET A WHOLE NOTHER BABBBBBBY!)
Then, in September, those 3,100 of you turned into 3800. "I am so sorry," every one of those 700 people wrote after I yelled at you, "I assumed I was the only one who was too lazy to get my wallet out, not NINETY-NINE PERCENT OF US." Well, 98.8 percent of you now!
Money-wise, it was a terrific month, wiping out our $16,000 operating debt for the year so far. Do we still have $30k in business credit card debt? Fuck yeah but it don't matter; mama got a loan to consolidate 'em so it's like 6 percent interest instead of 19. And now I can be president! Of course, the "real" "president" probably won't nominate Brett Kavanaugh AGAIN this month, so we're unlikely to get another of Evan's Kavanaugh shitshow liveblogs. That fucker was a Wonkette-money-dumptruck! Of cash!
Now, if another .2 percent of our regular readers were to throw money at us every month, another 700 of you out of 300,000 giving us $2 or $5 or $10 or $1000 a month (just kidding, nobody gives us $1000 a month, but occasionally you do it once!), we could give the freelancers a raise (we'd like to!), start socking away a few months' worth of operating expenses, and then think about considering what it might be like to HIRE SOME MORE OF THOSE FUCKERS FULL-TIME. Would they like it? YES. Would you like it? I'M GUESSIN'. Would I like it? OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY, I'M MAKIN' JERBS. Would my husband like it? He would like me to save up some of the money first, because he is NO FUN (and also I'm really impulsive about hiring people and then he has to stroke my hair while I'm crying, "PAYROLL, WAAAH!").
Wonkette has NO ADVERTISING to fuck up your browser. Wonkette has NO VC FUNDERS pulling the strings. Wonkette has NO COUTH, and THAT'S HOW YOU LIKE IT. It's just YOU, individually supporting US, while we're getting up at asscrack to bring you the news in the only way that you like it: passed out cold with a dick drawn on its face.
So please, if you're able, join together with 699 other readers this month, out of 296,000, and let's FUND THIS BITCH. (Me. I'm the bitch. Plus Evan and Five Dollar Feminist. Robyn and Dom and Stephen just really aren't bitches, no matter what you think, CHART.) Now go get your credit card, or the post-it with your paypal password on it, and CLICK THE WIDGET. If you can, click "monthly"! And then don't forget to click either "stripe" or "paypal" or the money won't actually leave your hot little hands. Boy would you feel silly then, if you ever found out about it, which you probably wouldn't.
CLICK IT. CLICK IT. CLICK THE WIDGET! BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE ON WONKETTE! You know, only if you are able.
Okay, we love you, bye-bye.